The New Miss Manners

By Alan

Back in the day when Emily Post was the ruler of all things polite, and her book Etiquette was the definitive work on how to conduct yourself at home, business, and even politics. Her syndicated column (currently written by her great-grandson has been read for over 70 years, and many of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, and even great-great-grandchildren all have decided to follow in her footsteps.

However much people try to think about how politeness and manners are outdated, and out of fashion, they are not only relevant but even more important than ever.

Imagine if we had civil and polite activity in politics? Shouting over top someone during a national speech would be impolite, and therefore avoided. Listening while someone else is talking would be the standard. Incorporating the ideas of the counter-party in points of your own during healthy debate would show that each was paying attention to the other.

Children should also continue to know and understand good etiquette. Parents who want to be friends with their kids, and give them lots of slack about impolite behavior are doing them no favors at all.

But, what if the situation is new? It used to be that that only interruptions at the dinner table would be if someone knocked at the door. Then came the telephone. Some families would disconnect the sole phone in the house during dinner, and their neighbors and friends all knew that was not the time to get in contact with them.

Sure, people could always read at the table, which was quiet, but also meant that the focus of attention wasn't on anyone else at the table. Not really a family dinner, as much as a central gathering of distracted readers.

Then radio came along. It was nice to eat a meal while music played in the background, something previously only heard while dining at fine restaurants in the city. But, radio also meant that comedy shows, news, and other talking would stifle conversation at the table.

Another stake in the heart of dinner manners was television. The advent of TV dinners meant that not only was the family dinner less family, but the entertainment was no longer the distraction, but the central focus.

Next came cell phones. Now the intrusions could happen quicker, since the decision to answer the phone would be so much faster than getting up to answer the door. When everyone has to listen to one side of a conversation on the cell phone, even modern society would consider it rude (at least for now, it's considered rude). But, what if the intrusion is less obvious? It's generally not loud or distracting, but is something that makes a person physically present but truly present with the family. Yes, I'm talking about texting. The latest and greatest distraction.

Texting at the table means that one conversation can be held in private with someone else not present at the table (or sometimes even with someone at the table!). It's quiet, but not necessarily polite. For adults, it could be answering that 'last' email from work, or setting up a meeting for later in the week. For the kids, it's catching up on all the latest happenings with their friends. Both are important, however, both can wait.

There's a great article on parenting and texting at dinner.

There have been lots of studies that show that a family that makes the effort and eats together at least 5 meals a week together have better adjusted teenagers, who will be less likely to do drugs, be depressed, or have difficulty in school. It's important to note that having dinner together doesn't just mean sitting in the same geographic area. It means interacting, making eye contact. For the kids, it's important that they KNOW that they have uninterrupted attention from their parents. Children, pre-teens, and teenagers all rely on that knowledge that their parents will have to listen to them, and the parents should know that there are times when the kids can't really escape.

There have, and always will be, things that take our attention away from family and each other. If you are taking the time to sit down and eat dinner together (which I highly recommend), make a promise that you will be... together. No phones, no TV, no books, and no texting. You can all make it 30 minutes without having to be connected to anything but one other.

Comments

[Bridget Chumbley]

We have these rules in our home: No TV, phone (text included) during dinner. So far it works (mostly)...though I get the urge to text 'pass the salt' just to see what happens. :)