Praying for Biblical Self-Esteem: I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough... Or Am I?

By Jason, M.Ed., M.A.R., Headmaster

In the 1970's, Robert Schuller of the Crystal Cathedral wrote a national best-seller called Self-Esteem: The New Reformation.  In it, he made the rather audacious claim that the recovery of self-esteem would transform the church for the 21st Century, just as the Reformation led by Martin Luther had transformed the church in the 16th Century.  Self-Esteem became the cultural rage of the Me Generation in the 1980's and 1990's.  Saturday Night Live made fun of this obsession with their character Stuart Smalley, portrayed by now-Senator Al Franken from Minnesota, who would look in the mirror and affirm himself with the words: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and, Gosh-Darn-it, people like me."

Self-esteem is a tricky thing.  Studies in the 70's had shown that students who performed poorly in school usually had very low self-esteem, while high-achieving students had high self-esteem.  Schools responded by developing self-esteem programs.  Oddly, other studies since have shown that one population group has exceptionally high self-esteem: death row inmates.  It seems they all valued their own worth much more than that of their victims.  Today, American students have nearly the highest self-esteem of any group of students in the world, even though they perform well below most industrialized nations on standardized testing.

So what is the right perspective on self-esteem?  Several verses come to mind when I reflect on this topic:

"For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned." Romans 12:3, ESV

"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves." Philippians 2:3, ESV

One of the most helpful passages, though, is one that really helps us see everything in our lives in the right perspective: Ephesians 2:8-10

"For by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.  For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." (ESV)

On first glance, these verses might not seem to have as much to say about self-esteem as the others above, but they make it clear that we have no reason to boast before God but every reason to rejoice.  We have nothing to offer God to make us proud of ourselves, but we have received everything from Him to make us both useful and satisfied in Him.

The fact that salvation is by grace through faith and not a result of works put the believer's self-esteem on a completely different foundation that what the world would suggest.  The world may say that good looks, athletic ability, musical talent, academic achievement, social popularity or political influence are reasons to have high self-esteem.  God doesn't accept any of that.  He's not interested in your resume or your portfolio.  He doesn't bring people into His kingdom because they've got some asset He really needs.  In God's kingdom, the King picks people by His own sheer grace "so that no one may boast."

But as we come to God with no reason to boast, we find in God every reason to rejoice!  He tells us, first of all, that we are His workmanship.  This is doubly true, both in creation and in salvation.  In other words, He made us and He saved us, so we are twice His, by birth and by re-birth.  

But wait, that's not all!  Behind Door #2, what do we find? God did not just make us His just so we could sit on a shelf and look pretty.  He has also given us good work to do!  In fact, He has created us for these good works.  So while we are not saved by good works, we are saved for good works.  What difference does this make? Quite simply, we need to have a purpose and a calling; we need to be useful and productive.  God fulfills that need, but in such a way that He makes it very clear that we cannot boast before Him in the merit of our works.  Even our works are His gifts to us even more than they are our gifts to Him.  

As parents, these truths about our relationship to God have some very profound and practical implications: First of all, we need to be aware that most American parents spend far too much time either praising their kids or berating their kids and not enough time loving them.  God lets us know right up front that He loves us.  Romans 5:8 says that God demonstrates His love for us in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  God's love takes the initiative to love the unlovely with a complete and self-sacrificing love.  Parents who spend too much time praising their kids, berating their kids, or both, will often have kids who think they need to measure up to earn love.  God doesn't love us because we're lovely; He makes us lovely because He loves us.  

Secondly, when we do praise our kids, we need to praise them for their hard work and not necessarily for the results of it.  The real value of working hard at something is not primarily in the outcome but in the character-building perseverance it requires.  Our kids need our encouragement to keep at it, even when it's tough, knowing that we'll be very happy to see them finish the job, even if it's not perfect.

Finally, our children need regular Gospel show-and-tell.  In other words, they need us to tell them about their need for Jesus and His saving love even as they see us daily depend upon God's abundant grace ourselves.  They need to see that we need Jesus, too.  As we depend on Him in front of them, we grow and they grow with us.  The ultimate goal of all of this is not that our kids would have higher self-esteem.  Self-esteem, whether high or low, should not be the goal of our parenting.  Rather, we should strive to see our kids love Jesus more deeply, and so depend on Him and live for Him more completely in everything!

[Editor's Note: This post is the fourth contribution to a wonderful series we are doing on Biblical virtues and praying for our children. I firmly believe that as parents, it is part of our responsibility, and an honor, to pray to our Father in heaven on behalf of our children. I pray you are blessed and encouraged by the words of these posts and that you will join me in my passion for growing strong, confident, loving, honorable and faithful children of God. If you missed the first three posts, be sure to go and read them: Love for God's Word, Salvation for the Next Generation and Praying for the Willingness and Ability to Work]

Jason is blessed to be married to a wonderful woman and to have three children (two boys, aged 6 and 3 and a baby girl). He serves as the Headmaster of a classical, Christian school and as an elder in his church. He enjoys strong coffee, good books and nature walks with his family.

Comments

[jasonS]

Great post and suggestions. I was very high-achieving in school, but didn't have much self-esteem (I think it was more due to being the oldest). I like your point about death row inmates. Like I said, great post! Thanks.