One Word At A Time: Grace
Tuesday, May 18, 2010 at 7:00AM MAD21 By MAD21
Last week was "one of those weeks." My youngest was really struggling with self-control and obedience. Several times I saw the ugly side of lost tempers and bad attitudes, admittedly myself included. My oldest was struggling in her own way, too. Getting on "yellow" three days at school for talking and not controlling herself in class.
When it comes to discipline, I have found that grace is one of those really tricky things when it comes to being a parent. Mercy, too, for that matter. Grace being that thing you give when your kids are just short of reaching the goal, and mercy being what you give when they've missed it altogether.
My family is the very air I breath, so when we are not right with ourselves or each other, it effects me deeply. Overall, my kids are amazing and well-mannered. They love each other, and love spending time with each other playing and just hanging out. But as with most families, they go through phases where they test their boundaries and get on each other's nerves... and mine. My youngest loves to "push buttons," and my oldest is our "drama queen." Not the best of combinations at times.
Having worked with kids for most of my life, and being a parent for more than six years, I know the importance of consistency, following through with consequences, and ending every day with love and forgiveness. If you were to ask my kids about the choices they make, they will tell you what they've always been told... "When you make good choices, good things happen. When you make bad choices, bad things happen." And beyond that, every choice you make effects everyone around you. So for example: if you lose the privilege to go to the playground, we all suffer because none of us get to go; if you have a good attitude and make good choices, we all get to have fun.
These are all good rules to live by, but it is SO hard to put in action sometimes. As God gives us grace and mercy when we make bad choices, so do we as parents do the same for our kids. The trick is when. When to know it's ok to "just let it go" and when to enforce the consequences.
When my kids were younger (and even now sometimes), I got several comments from people when I'd get frustrated with their behavior. People would tell me, "they are just kids" or "it's ok, they'll grow out of it." And while both of those statements are true, if you let them get away with things when they are little, exactly when do you begin enforcing behaviors and rules? When do you offer up grace and let the bad behavior or choice slide? It's such a hard balance to find... allowing our kids to make mistakes, try not to over-control them and their lives, yet teach them how to make good choices and guide them in the right direction.
In my years of working with kids, I've seen them get away with so many bad choices, and in the long run it has really hurt them. In most cases, one bad choice leads to another to another, and so on. Just like lying. You have to keep making up lies to cover up the previous one. When does an innocent theft of a candy bar at a local convenience store lead to grand theft? So when do we give them grace or mercy, and when do we follow through with the consequences of their choice?
The ultimate giver of grace.
I know I probably have more questions than answers with regards to grace in this post. Mostly because I'm still learning myself. I wasn't offered much grace growing up, let alone mercy, so my family and I are learning together. What I do know is that we all fall short of the goal on a daily basis. As for how I handle it with my kids? I make sure that we at least end the day with no regrets. Forgiveness is given when needed and we have covered each other in love. We all meet together at the feet of Jesus, and pray that he will once again, meet us where we are, and carry us the distance.
I have no idea how God chooses when to give us grace, and when to allow us to suffer from the consequences of our choices. But I am so grateful for his sacrifice. The ultimate giver of grace and mercy.
This post is a participant in a blog carnival over at Bridget Chumbley's One Word at a Time.
Be sure to go and check out what everyone else wrote on: Grace.
Grace, Kids, One Word At A Time, Parenting in One Word At A Time
Reader Comments (13)
Beautifully told, Ginny.
There is no university degree program in parenting. We've raised two -- one is 30 and the other 22. There were moments -- plenty of them -- when we knew we had failed. But what we kept in front of us was this: raise up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Notice the emphasis on "old" -- the verse says nothing about teenagers. Our 30-year-old has turned into a responsible adult and, actually, a pretty good guy, active in his church and madly in love with his wife and new son. Our younger one is showing signs of becoming a responsible adult. God hung in there with them and with us.
You're right. In the area of child-raising, grace is most needed and hardest to grasp.
Learning to understand and apply grace in all the areas of our lives is lifelong. As long as we trust and follow Him, He'll be faithful to show us (even though we'll mess up along the way and need more grace) :)
Thanks Ginny.
Very thought provoking... Especially the closing statement.
We're all given grace and mercy. More than we deserve. But God also allows us to hurt and hurt others. If there were no consequences for our actions, then how much less would we appreciate His grace and mercy? It would be expected. Great post, Ginny.
Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. I know it's something we all struggle with at times. One would think (hope) someone would have come up with an easier way to reach it?
Glynn- Thank for the perspective. It's nice to hear from people with older kids. Sometimes when we are in the trenches with little ones, it's hard to see the other side. Knowing we only get one shot at this... and not wanting to mess up.
i like hearing how you end the day.
for at the end of days and time
we shall be clothed in the ultimate grace
I too have spent much of life working with kids and raised three daughters. I believe your thoughts could help many parents that are clueless and are struggling to raise children at all. Your words, "If you let them get away with things when they are little, exactly when do you begin enforcing behaviors and rules?" would fit well on the walls of the court room. Thanks for sharing; good post :)!
Consistency... so important and SO difficult at times. Thanks for these great thoughts, Ginny. You always have a great perspective!
My daughters are 22 and 23 and they have taught me more about walking in grace than I ever learned at University or in my career. Our children love us because we are their parents. And in the grace of their forgiveness, we learn how to move through life with grace and ease.
Beautiful post. Thanks!
Knowing when to give grace to a child is a difficult call, I agree. What I know now is that how I parented when they were little has far reaching rewards, that God constantly gives grace to both me and my children for my inadequacies as a parent, and that I have never given too much grace. Your honesty in your questions is refreshing. It mirrors mine about joy a few weeks ago. May God bless you today and hold you close to His heart. May you hear His whispers in your ear all day long.
You threw out a lot of on-going life stuff. Came up with good observations/questions. Made me think you must be about 100 years old with lots of experience. I still have those questions/concerns. I watch as my "kids" in the 40-range make choices that I know are going to cause a crash sooner or later -- and now it won't just affect them; it's going to hit my g-kids. But, my kids are adults, and there's nothing I can do or say that will make a difference; only God can break through. I try to do it with the g-kids -- along the same line as you said -- make a choice, either good or bad, and enjoy the blessing or suffer the consequences. [That's my summary of what you said; hope it was correct.] Anyhow, you're walking through those serious "seed-planting" times. With your heart being where it appears to be, your understanding of grace and mercy, your kids are miles ahead of many, many others.